To Love and Serve Read online

  Her father smiled down at her, his grin movie-star bright in the darkness that surrounded him except for a brilliant portal of light behind him.

  “Do the right thing, mi’ja,” he said again, and offered his hand, inviting her to join him…as he had only once before—when she’d been dying that winter night of the raid.

  “No, Papi. No, no, no.” She rose and backpedaled, as she had before, but winced at the pain in her abdomen. It traveled down and slid low in her belly, sinking its fangs deep into her gut.

  She clutched at her midsection, battling the agony weakening her knees and the wet that dripped from her body. Warm, sticky wetness that ran down her legs and pooled in a dark glistening stain against a moonlit cobblestoned street.

  Her father, his face forever youthful, laid his hands on her shoulders and pulled her toward him. Pulled her in the direction of the portal of warm, welcoming light. “Come with me, Diana. It’s the right thing to do.”

  But in her heart she knew that it wasn’t. Not for her. Not now. Maybe not ever.

  “No, no, no,” she shouted again and pushed away, but he held fast. She shoved at his arms, trying to get free. Kicking at him, her heart pounding in her chest as he called out her name.

  “Diana. Wake up, darlin’. It’s me. It’s Ryder.”

  She went stock-still and opened her eyes to stare at her lover as he held her, his face full of fear.

  “I’m sorry. So sorry,” she said, and shook her head to drive away the remnants of her dream. Releasing her arms, he sank down beside her. “What happened?”

  “A dream,” she said, and scoured her face with her hands. Hands that still felt warm and sticky as the memories clung to her. She scrubbed harder and inhaled deeply to calm the gallop of her heart.

  “More like a nightmare, I’m guessing. Want to tell me about it?” he asked, and brushed some stray hair off her face.

  She wasn’t quite ready to share. At least not all of it. But she knew what had triggered it.

  “I know we live with death every day—”

  “I’m sorry about before,” he blurted out. “About what I almost did. I know it’s not what you want.” His hand gently skimmed her cheek in apology.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to stay with you, Ryder. I do. I’ve already refused heaven once to be with you,” she confessed, swallowed, then plowed on. “When my dad died, I lost it. I cared about nothing. Cared about no one, not even myself. I had only one goal: vengeance. It took me a while to find balance again. Ever since, I’ve always felt I’m just a little slip away from falling again.” She rubbed at the ridge of scar over her ribs.

  He took her hand to still the nervous motion. “But you weren’t responsible for what happened the night of the raid. You couldn’t stop it.”

  “I know. But that didn’t make it any easier to deal with the guilt. To struggle with the promise I made my father to always do the right thing. I felt…overwhelmed. I still do sometimes.”

  …

  Ryder heard something in Diana’s voice he’d never heard before—the bone-deep loneliness of a young girl. That surprised him. “You weren’t alone then. You had your mom and Sebastian.”

  A negligent shift of her shoulders told him otherwise, and it shocked him. She and Sebastian were so close now that he couldn’t imagine there had been a time when they hadn’t been. As for her mother, he’d believed the separation between them had been all about the physical distance between New York and Miami. Now he wondered.

  He gave her a squeeze. “Want to talk about it?”

  The hesitant hunch of her shoulders came again and she looked away, but he cradled her chin with his thumb and forefinger, and applied gentle pressure until she could no longer avoid looking at him.

  “You know how when you’re a kid, things seem bigger? Brighter? Perfect?” she murmured, but the bitterness was hard to miss.

  “Your dad?”

  She nodded, and he sensed how difficult it was for her to not only share this, but finally to admit it to herself.

  “You loved him.”

  “I did. But…the dream tonight made me remember things. Maybe things I’ve kept buried all these years because he was dead.”

  “And admitting them would be like betraying him. Betraying his memory.”

  “Yes.” The word exploded from her against his chest as she rested her head there.

  He ran his hands up and down her back. “I’m here for you. You know that, right?”

  “I know,” she said softly, and tightened her hold on him. “And I want to be here for you. To share my life with you.”

  “But you worry if you can do that,” he said, and recalled the woman he’d first met so many years ago. A loner, despite her many friends and family. A tough, hard-edged FBI agent reluctant to reveal emotion. Even more unwilling to admit that love had any place in her life. Despite all those barriers she’d built around herself, he’d discovered a crack in her wall and wedged himself into her heart.

  “I won’t lie and say it’s easy being a vampire,” he said. “I wanted to die at first, and as I watched my friends and family leave me, that wish only got stronger. It wasn’t until you came into my life that it had meaning again.”

  Her soft pained sigh drifted across his cheek. “I want to believe that I can handle it, but I know what’s inside me. I’ve seen what happens when all the pain and guilt takes over.”

  “Together we can overcome it, darlin’. All those things you fear are what make you who you are. Make you strong and determined and loving.” He bent his head to brush a kiss along her lips. “That make me love you.” He deepened the kiss, wanting to leave no doubt in her mind about his feelings.

  She clutched his shoulders and released herself to his kiss. When she shifted back, her shimmering gaze traveled over his face and a hesitant smile played about her lips. “I wish I could be as hopeful as you are.”

  “Hope was the only thing that kept me going for centuries. Hope brought me you.”

  …

  Ryder’s words made Diana’s heart clench and her throat tighten with emotion. She wasn’t sure what she’d done in her life to deserve a man like this.

  Knowing his hopes, she chose her next words carefully.

  “I want to be with you, forever, but…I have to be sure of myself.”

  His gaze deepened with emotion. “I know we could be happy together, but I won’t press until you’re ready.”

  She leaned forward and gifted him with a kiss, sealing the unspoken promise they’d made. She nestled against his side and accepted the comfort of his arms and the quiet strength that had sustained her during the last five years.

  It could be like this forever, she told herself as she drifted off, but almost chuckled aloud as an almost unbelievable realization hit her.

  To become the kind of demon he could love forever, a caring vampire filled with humanity, she had to become a better human being.

  Ironic much?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Diana placed a coffee mug in front of Jesus as they sat together on the condo’s terrace shielded on one side by the row of oleanders in full bloom. Across from them, the sun had risen high as noon approached and bathed the area with light and warmth. She closed her eyes and raised her face to the sun, loving the way its heat slipped into her core and chased away the chill in her body.

  “Feels good, doesn’t it?” Jesus sat beside her in his shirtsleeves, fingers laced together and resting on his lean stomach. “It’s not often we have the luxury of just sitting around.”

  No, they didn’t, but he wasn’t here to sunbathe. They had a killer to catch. She opened her eyes, picked up her mug, and took a sip of the coffee. “I think he’ll strike again and soon,” she said. “He’s in love with what he’s doing. He sees himself as an artist of death.”

  Jesus braced his elbows on the edge of the wrought iron table and cradled his coffee cup in hands that showed a few nicks and scars from his military years before he joined the FBI. �
��We miss having you and Harris around. I think the two of you working together would have had more on this already.”

  Her hands shook on her cup at the mention of her old partner. The partner whose life she’d screwed up so badly thanks to the injuries he’d sustained on the night of the raid. Another thing she had to do on her way to becoming a better person. “How is David?”

  “Medical finally cleared him for desk duty. Maggie and he broke up, by the way.”

  Her heart sank. “I didn’t know.” FBI doctor Maggie Gonzalez was her best friend. She hadn’t seen Maggie in a few weeks, although they had spoken just a couple of days ago. She wondered if Maggie had held back from telling her because she knew Diana felt responsible for David’s condition. Although if it hadn’t been for Ryder’s vampire friends, David might be dead. They’d pulled her partner, semi-conscious and badly injured, from a burning building that had been blown up by the terrorists they were tracking that night. Afterward, David had asked her to explain how he’d survived, but she didn’t think he’d be able to handle the truth. Hell, she still couldn’t believe the hidden otherworld into which she’d been reborn.

  “You’re not to blame for what happened,” Jesus said, as if reading her mind.

  “The Office of Professional Responsibility said otherwise after their investigation.” Since this was old and painful ground she didn’t want to revisit, she steered the conversation back to the present.

  “What else do you need me to do on the case?”

  “Nothing,” he surprised her by saying.

  “Nothing?” She’d hoped that his request for her to review the case files meant that he’d find a way to bring her back into the office.

  A quick smile confirmed it. “I’ve got two new agents transferring to our department in a day or so. I think I’m going to assign them to the case. Your insight will help them get a jump on their investigation.”

  She should have expected the answer. Jesus hadn’t risen to the rank of ADIC at such a young age without making the difficult decisions and ruthlessly going by the book.

  “You’ll let me know if you need me, right?” She’d hoped he would bring her in on the case, especially now that she’d possibly found something useful.

  “The other day you told me you were ready to come back. Any second thoughts on that?”

  She thought about how tired she’d been just from reviewing the files, but then also recalled what she’d said to him during their meeting at Luigi’s—that it would kill her to not go back to work. Not to mete out justice and keep her promise to her father, but just as important, to restore order to her life.

  “No second thoughts. When you want me, I’ll be there.”

  Jesus rose. “Give me a little time to get a feel for the new agents. In the interim, I’ll try to get the powers that be to rescind their order and bring you back.”

  His words filled her with joy and she jumped up, hugged him hard, and he returned the embrace. After he’d gone, she sat back down to finish her coffee, savoring the happiness of the moment. And felt the shadows inside her recede as one of the missing pieces of her life fell into place.

  With those thoughts in her mind, she sat there, enjoying the late morning sun. Now to find the other pieces she was missing and heal the darkness within her. Maybe then she would have the strength to embrace the one thing she wanted more than anything—a life with Ryder.

  After her dream, she knew the next piece that she had to fit into place.

  Sebastian.

  She jumped on the elevator to the floor below where Melissa and her brother had their apartment, the proximity a leftover from Melissa’s responsibilities as Ryder’s keeper.

  She knocked on the door and her mother answered. Her keen maternal eye quickly picked up on the fact that something was amiss with her daughter.

  “Can I help you, mi’ja?” she asked, and skimmed her hand down Diana’s cheek. The gentle touch roused memories of her childhood days.

  She suddenly realized her hero worship for her father had blinded her to her mother’s sturdy, unwavering presence.

  Reaching out, she embraced her mother and tucked close, whispering, “I love you, Mami.”

  An emotion-filled sigh escaped her mother and she stroked Diana’s hair, the gesture comforting and unguarded. “I know, mi’ja. I’m glad I could finally be here to spend some time with you.”

  Guilt slammed into Diana at how often she’d pushed her mother away, both as a child and then as an adult when she’d fled Miami in search of peace. She’d fucked up so many things in her life. “I’m glad we could spend time together as well. Is Sebastian home? I wanted to talk with him.”

  Her mother tilted her head in the direction of the bedrooms. “He’s putting Mariel down for a nap. She was getting a little cranky. I was going to make lunch for us. Can you stay?”

  “I’d like that, Mami.” She had planned to leave right after her talk, but she’d been running away from her mother for too long. “I’m going to give Mariel a kiss.” She left her mom to go find her brother and niece.

  He was scrunched down in a small chair with gaily painted blossoms that matched the girly feel of the room. He looked incongruous pretzeled in order to sit, all six very masculine feet of him surrounded by pink, a rainbow of flowers, and enough stuffed animals to start a zoo.

  His deep voice was singsong as he read the story to his daughter and the little girl struggled to keep her eyes open.

  Diana hung back, not wanting to intrude or excite her niece back to wakefulness. She listened to the tale of a group of lost animals, a story their own dad had read to them on the nights he made it home early enough. So precious and sweet. With each tick of Diana’s biological clock, she wondered if she could ignore her newfound yearning for a baby. If she committed fully to Ryder, would regret over that loss grow unbearable as the years stretched into eternity? Until hate joined with the worst of her emotions and drove them apart?

  Once Mariel was fast asleep, Sebastian stood and grimaced, unwinding his long, lanky body. He bent and brushed a kiss across his daughter’s hair and walked toward the door. He stopped short when he noticed Diana standing there.

  “I didn’t know you were here,” he whispered, joined her, and softly closed the door after them.

  Her heart melting in her chest, she said, “You’re a good father, Sebastian.”

  His smile was guarded as he wrapped his arms around her. “Thanks, hermanita.”

  She finally said the words that should have been said long ago. “I’m sorry Dad never saw the kind of man you are. Strong. Loving.”

  The tears came then, and she regretted the weepiness that seemed to be such a part of her lately, a byproduct of having to face so many difficult decisions.

  He cradled the back of her head so she could weep in private against his chest. “It’s okay, hermana. I always knew I had you in my corner.”

  She sniffled and dabbed the remnants of tears from her face. “I’m here for you. For Melissa and Mariel.” She shot a wistful look at her niece’s door.

  “You’re a good aunt. You’d have made one hell of a mother.”

  She shook off the compliment and walked back toward the living room. “Yeah, right. I can picture it now. Gun in one hand, baby bottle in the other. No, I’m too much like Dad.”

  “You only think you are.”

  She denied it with a harsh laugh. “I guess we’ll never know.”

  “Have faith, hermanita. Melissa has been hard at work looking for a cure, and even if she doesn’t find a way—”

  “There’s always Ryder, right? Only I’ve barely done this life right.”

  “Bullshit, Di. I know we’ve both been knocked down hard, but here we are. Alive. Happy. Or you could be, if you let go of the past.”

  She glanced at him dubiously as they walked to the living room. “Is that what you really think?”

  “You’re stronger than you were before. You can handle anything. Plus you’re not alone. You’ve got all
of us to lean on. Now let’s go eat. I’m starving.”

  He headed to the kitchen with her in tow. As soon as the smells of the Cuban sandwiches hit her, her stomach did a quick somersault. She pressed her hand to it to quiet the rumba that had started, and her mother’s keen-eyed gaze noticed it quickly.

  “Are you not feeling well, mi’ja?” she asked.

  Diana didn’t want to upset her, especially since the nausea appeared to be a new symptom. “Just a little stomach virus. Nothing to worry about.”

  “Whatever you say.” Her mother rolled her eyes. “Now eat up. You could stand to gain a little weight.” She pulled her to the table.

  Diana had barely taken a breath when her mother plopped a plate in front of her that held a large triangular wedge of Cuban sandwich. Her stomach flip-flopped and a line of cold sweat erupted along her neck.

  “Is there anything you need to tell us, mi’ja?” her mother asked guardedly, but Diana raised the sandwich with a flourish and took a bite.

  “Delicioso, Mami,” she mumbled around the mouthful of ham, roast pork, cheese, pickles, and toasted bread.

  “Yes, thank you, Mami. We’re going to miss you when you leave tomorrow,” Sebastian said, but sent Diana an inquiring look too much like their mother’s.

  She ignored them both and managed to eat the entire piece without her stomach revolting. If anything, it seemed to calm the roiling. As she finished, her cell phone chirped. Ryder’s text message asked, Where are you?

  “I have to go,” she said.

  “He keeps you on a short lease,” Sebastian rebuked her mildly.

  Her smile dimmed. “You should know by now that nobody controls what I do, hermanito.” Turning to her mother, she hugged her, and said, “I’ll be down tomorrow to say good-bye, Mami.”

  “I’d like that, mi’ja. Somehow it doesn’t seem as if we spent much time together these last few weeks.”